A Poem to Us Girls

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess,

I have two mounds upon my bodice.

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee,

Can justify any shopping spree.

Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon,

Can get a massage without a hard-on.

I can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas,

Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long,

At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles at any cost,

And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.

I never forget an important date,

You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies with lots of gore,

Don't need instant replay to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,

I don't get jock itch,

And just 'cause I'm assertive,

Don't call me a Bitch.

I don't wear the same underwear everyday,

The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.

Don't burp, don't belch and I certainly don't fart,

Ballet, not football, is what I consider an art.

Don't say to your friends,

"Oh yeah, I can get her"-

In your dreams, my dear,

I can do better.

Flowers are okay,

But jewelry's best.

Would you look at my face,

Not at my chest!

I don't have a problem

Expressing my feelings.

I know when you lie,

You look at the ceiling.

Don't call me a girl,

A babe or a chick.

I am a WOMAN,

Get it, you prick?!

Being Friends with An Ex

Okay, so I have come to the conclusion that the worst part of breaking up with someone is being friends with that person. I'm not talking the kind of friends that you talk to on a constant basis and always know whats going on in their life. I have that kind of ex and we are great friends that way. I'm talking the 'just cordial friends'...you know, the kind you talk to maybe once a month just to say hi and...well...just to say hi.

So I had my ex call me yesterday just to say hi. You know we did the usual asking and telling of work and school and family life. Then, inevitably, the "so...are you seeing anyone special" came up as sometimes in these conversations it does. You think you're over this person, I mean hello you've moved on and have been dating on and off yourself, but to hear him say" Yeah, actually I am seeing someone, and she's a really nice girl" just hits you...hard. Memories flood back into your mind and for some unknown reason you start missing him. Now, I'm not saying I want to get back with this guy...FAR FROM IT!! Dating him, I'm sorry to say, were the darkest days of my life. And for those of you who know me well know why. I became someone I wasn't. I began settling for less than I deserved. I put up with behavior that WAS NOT acceptable on any level. So why would I miss that?? Why would I miss covering the pain and bruises?? I think it's the comfort we miss when this happens more than anything. When you have been with a person for a long time, you know them (good and bad) and they know you. There isn't any awkward getting to know you and all of your dark secrets conversations, they already know them. People find comfort in the familiar and anything new and different scares us. Its getting past apprehensiveness with a new guy, however, that allows us to find our true selves and our true love.

So the phone conversation with my ex ended on a good, "Well, you take care now" note. And although I did have that moment where I missed us (not him, us), I'm over it now. The original happy-go-lucky Katie that everyone knows and loves is back!! And I'm blessed that after all this time I have been able to find that once missing girl in me!!

Let Kids Be Kids

This past weekend I was talking with a friend of all the fun things we used to do as a kid that kids of this generation just don't get to experience.

I remember during the winters, when we used to still get snow here in New Mexico, my dad would pull us on a sled behind his '63 Willies Jeep. We thought it was the greatest thing in the world to fly around the corners at the blazing speed of maybe 10 mph, all the while being pelted with oncoming snow. This is just something kids today don't get to experience with all of the laws and groups out there protecting kids to the point of complete isolation.

I was watching a news story the other day in which a child protection group was on a mission to make playgrounds safe for kids. They were trying to ban teeter totters, monkey bars and my favorite, swings. How sad for a kid to grow up without experiencing the thrill of pumping your legs to get you higher and higher into the air, and the sinking in the pit of your stomach when you start to make that decent toward the ground. Ill be sure not to tell the child protection groups of how my friends and I would swing on our backs and when we got high enough we would proceed to flip over backwards completing a back flip hoping we landed on our feet. It's a good thing I didn't break more ankles than I did.

It seems society is protecting kids to the point where they miss out on the fun of their childhood. Kids are no longer seen climbing trees, because their parents are worried they will fall and break an arm. Hello Parents!! They're kids...they might fall and skin their knee and even in worse case scenarios end up with a broken arm. Don't fret!! Bones heal, and we become stronger because of it!! It's true. Bones are stronger after they have healed from a break.

All I'm saying is let kids be kids. They will have enough time to be grown up and proper (or not so proper) when they become adults. The worse thing you want is for you child to look back on their younger days and wonder where all the fun times were!!

To All My Lady Friends

To all my lady friends.

Just a friendly reminder, it's that time of the year again.

Please raise your BIG TOE and repeat after me:

As a member of the Faux Paux Sisterhood, I pledge to follow The Rules

when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over

and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the

sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and

chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker,

mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if

I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back in to

place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it...

no matter how much it hurts.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend

Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low

price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids'

sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others.

Noone can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat, and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell

and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she

asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell

her that her toes look like they've been dragged behind her car on the

way to work and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually

flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear

NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per

season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 and worth EVERY

penny). I say spend another $15.00 and get a even better one.

And finally...

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show

signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals...

May God Bless your Soles as well as your Soul!

Katie