Tuesday, June 20, 2006

To All My Lady Friends

To all my lady friends.

Just a friendly reminder, it's that time of the year again.

Please raise your BIG TOE and repeat after me:

As a member of the Faux Paux Sisterhood, I pledge to follow The Rules

when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over

and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the

sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and

chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker,

mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if

I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back in to

place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it...

no matter how much it hurts.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend

Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low

price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids'

sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others.

Noone can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat, and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell

and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she

asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell

her that her toes look like they've been dragged behind her car on the

way to work and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually

flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear

NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per

season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 and worth EVERY

penny). I say spend another $15.00 and get a even better one.

And finally...

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show

signs of wear...nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals...

May God Bless your Soles as well as your Soul!


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